Alrighty we’re here. Hey ya’ll hey! So let me put this disclaimer out here…
I don’t think I can ever qualify myself as a love expert or know-it-all in the arena of love. Most of my life I navigated every other area pretty good except for the arena of relationship/love/men. I was probably in my early 30s before I really realllllly started to “get it”. I mean get it get it. The gift of the “single” thing. The learning “me” thing. The healing factor.
What I DO feel qualified to stand firmly on as an example for you is the power of God’s grace, the fulfillment of His OWN prophecy over my life and His purpose in my life that cannot be denied…and yes, marriage was a part of that. So I declare now that you are inspired, encouraged and strengthened through this read. Shall we begin?
Look, I guess I’m the example of the phrase “don’t give up” and “God has not forgotten”. LOL! Wow! It’s not a glamorous presentation but I tell you what it’s REAL. Love. L-O-V-E. What the world needs more. What heals us. What we desire. What we were born to experience. The first touch of a mother to a newborn. The first kiss of a crush. That glance from across the room when your soul connects to another. Alllll of that. Within it is the innate organic intended circuit of love and desire. Companionship, we were created for it. We were meant to connect with another to see the reflection of God and his well of love. (“let us make man in our image”) So don’t let anything, anyone or any frame of time deter you from that reality.
Since this is an open blog (public reading) I don’t know all of the back stories of those of you who are reading; where you are in your maturity, your experiences and your preparation. I’m going to speak to you from the assumption that you have come into a time of maturity in life where you have released the petty Request List (materialistic/superficial desires) and you want something sustaining, full of integrity and deliberate.
To say “I am ready for love” can be quite a loaded statement.
So let me ask you. Have you questioned yourself as to why you feel you are ready? Is it a “feeling” or a “knowing”? How are you qualifying that?
Let me be really transparent here in order to help someone. Learning love for me was strictly through a battle I had with God one night in worship. He had to stop me mid-worship and ask me a series of questions that forced me to look at how I was loving Him and how I was allowing Him to love me…well partially allowing Him to love me. Here’s why…
My parents divorced after 30 years of marriage; two great people. I didn’t really feel it (love) at home. I saw two people who were committed to the work God called them to (and I’ve shared this with them so this isn’t secret). I did see their love but I didn’t sense the “like factor”. I think the “like” factor has to extend from friendship with your partner. (take note of that). My personality type is INFJ so I’m a big discerner, feeler, and analyzer. My empathic and observing spirit allows me to see through things that can be empowering but it can also be draining. As a kid I lived life “on edge”. I was edgy. From early childhood I was constantly “feeling” energy around me and it made me very serious (too young) and packed with emotion. This formed my behavior and mentality toward “love” and the approach to relating with others. Extreme caution and alertness.
So, think about how you learned love; the design of it, the sound of it, the behavior of it. Did you see conflict resolution? Did you hear laughter? Did you see abandonment? How about ’til death do we part? Your first observation (not teaching) was the embryonic formation of your idea of love. Think about what you saw not what you were taught. The African Proverb says, “children don’t do what they hear they do what they see.
A readiness for love starts with position and perception. If you are willing to start at the beginning of life and revisit your primary education of love then you are willing to experience any healing and repair that is first necessary. That is a must if you want love to be healthy, mature and full of oxygen. Your position must be openness and vulnerability. Yup! You canNOT get around this and expect to have a healthy whole relationship. It is not “well if they open up then I’ll open up”. Your position must be “I am here to stand, to kneel, to lie down and to crawl” because I am opening myself up to this love. THAT MEANS that you need to be with a worthy potential mate. You can’t risk giving that level of vulnerability and openness to someone who is not committed, engaged in you, ready like you and proving through their lifestyle that they are in this with you. You feel me? Vulnerability is power and you have to embrace it as such. It’s a pre-requisite for love.
Perception- Your perception must be clear. You must be willing to unlearn what pain, trauma, life experiences, voids, rejection, pain and abandonment has taught you. You see, our experiences become the headstone of our thought life and behavior. Yes, just think about it. What defense mechanisms have you created because of a painful/traumatic experience? Do you automatically find the negative in someone you meet rather than granting them innocence unless proven guilty? Do you meet someone and just fall immediately and throw red flags out the window? Do you stay too long in a toxic relationship? Have you ever met someone that reminds you of someone and immediately you have an attitude toward them? Has something someone said to you stirred up a re-memory from something in the past and your entire being became stoic? If you’ve said yes to many of these your perception has to be healed. It’s a tricky thing because your response feels natural. You need to protect yourself (you feel). Now I’m not saying throw caution to the wind, use your discernment and common sense but if rejection is controlling your life you will not be keen enough to tell the difference. (raises hand because I have been there). Sidenote: If you’ve been exposed to alot of toxicity in a relationship it’s time to heal yourself first. Take a break, live a life of wholeness for awhile and then seek God as to the timing for love. It sucks but its necessary.
This is what I have learned. I wasn’t ready for love like I thought I was and when I thought I was. Listen I’m talking about real love; steady, mature, holy, solid, integritous, focused, open, unconditional, vulnerable and powerful-beyond-measure love. THIS is the level of love that I’m going to assume you’re ready for. Well I wasn’t where I thought I was. A fragmented, jagged, unsure heart runs from truth and rests comfortably in abnormality. Sure we say with our mouths what we want but the dark crevices inside that are still open and exposed are shielding us from that healthy experience. It will whisper to you, “uh uh what’s their deal ain’t nobody that honest”.
Though the pool-choice and ratio of men to women is seriously discouraging this doesn’t dismiss you from doing the internal work and being ready. Let me tell you something about true readiness: it will awaken time and temperature. Time, perfecting timing…kairos timing, divine timing. Timing you couldn’t have manipulated. Temperature, your spirit’s internal gage of knowing that you-are-ready.
Your essence will say “ready”. Your pores will breathe “ready”. Your way of responding to what doesn’t work will determine “ready”. Your ability to handle “what didn’t work” will assess your ready. Your joy despite how long it’s taking will say ready. Your passion to confront issues, communicate through them and be in sync OVER your fear of rejection and failure will say R-E-A-D-Y!!!!!!!
This is how you’ll know you’re ready for love. When you are straight solid secure in you and you are willing to allow another person to be the same within themselves then prepare yourself every day to encounter your heart’s desire. When you have forgiven the past. When you allow time, prayer, homework and process to do all of the healing that it needs to do then you can position yourself to be connected. When you don’t beat yourself up over what you didn’t do perfectly but you learn, become stronger and take joy in the hope of what’s next…then yea you’re ready.
Shift from asking and pleading to thanking and living.
The roller coaster emotions of the wait will come because that is the nature of man but even in the midst of that you are not without hope and expectation.
I am so thankful that God interrupted my worship that night in my room; on the floor crying and praising. There was a hole; a limitation that was inside of me that I had no idea was there. He saw it, felt it, knew it and it somehow restricted us. If it restricted us then surely it was going to play over in my ways with my future earthly king. It was then that I began a journey of healing from fear, rejection and paralysis.
You won’t be perfect (there’s no such thing) but you will be ready.
I pray it for you as much as you desire it for yourself. It’s real and it will happen.
I encourage you to consider my two books on Love Launching; Failure to Launch and Preparing to Launch. They are personal and powerful; allow them to bless you.